Hunger Fucking Sucks

So sad.

So I’m on day… four? of Whole 30. This is my 3rd go-around (along with my roommate) and I LOVE Whole 30. Well, that’s not necessarily all true. I love how I feel on it. I love the results. I don’t love the lack of ice cream. But that’s okay, because I have so much energy and energy is awesome.

But that being said, I fucking hate being hungry. It’s a necessary evil: I’m acclimating to not eating EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME but still. Being hungry is a bummer. Maybe I’m extra cranky because I’m… hungry? Either way, I don’t like it.

But I realize that hunger is a necessary feeling. And it’s even a good thing – I’m not constantly eating now, and constant eating got me up to 415 pounds. Also, hunger means that I’m controlling myself – I’m not binging and that’s a good thing. But the feeling is still a bummer.

Especially because food is such a damn comfort. It’s like a teddy bear, but like, one that you eat. I guess. I’m not great with analogies. I’m not even sure I feel physical hunger as much as I want the sensation of eating. Which is stupid.

How do you all deal with hunger? I need all the advice.


I gotta focus more on the “bitch” and less on the “fat”

Street art during my NYC trip

I started this blog as a weight loss blog. I figured, “I’ll post fun little anecdotes about eating healthy!” or “Look at me, trying to exercise, how funny!” and it would make for a super compelling blog.

What I forgot though, is that weight loss is often a slog. It’s repetitive. It’s eating greens and meat and Not Cake and it’s not honestly that interesting. Which I think is why I’ve been so hesitant to blog. Because it’s like, okay cool, I made a thing in the crock pot. My scale went down. But then damn! It went back up. What the hell, scale? It’s monotonous, it’s a journey, not a destination. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Blah blah blah.

So I have a new goal for this blog: It’s going to be a journey of self-discovery. It’s going to be about me facing my fears, addressing my character weaknesses, Making A Bucket List, all that self-actualization shit that make people better. It’ll be about losing weight (I still have a lot of that to do) but it will also be about me addressing all of those things in my nature that I want to change.

Will it be interesting? Maybe not! Am I doing it anyway? You betcha!

But anyway, what have I been up to since I last posted, asks nobody? Well, I went to New York City. It was super fun, but my diet went OFF. THE. RAILS. Like, not even just in New York. The few weeks leading up to New York, I was like “who tf cares about dieting right now, since I’m going to New York anyway?” Which is a super shitty mindset, but that’s what happened.

New York was great. I got to see all the sights. It was extra crazy because I went by myself, so I got to do exactly what I wanted and didn’t have to wait for my lovely but old ass relatives to decide they’re done napping before we get on a subway and just ride, baby. I got to see some of the typical touristy things, like the 9/11 Museum (sad), Rockefeller Plaza (tall), and the Statue of Liberty (green).

Pink street art in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

But I also got to go off-roading a bit, which was cool. I explored Williamsburg, Coney Island, and saw a Stephen Colbert taping. My favorite part was the food, the architecture, and the amazong street art. All in all it was a great trip. Now I’m focused on getting my life in order, getting back on Whole 30, and losing the stupid-ass weight I managed to gain back during my weight loss derailment.

Any advice you all have about getting back on the horse, I’ll take it 🙂

Honestly I don’t remember which building this was. But it’s shiny, so that’s cool.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 364.5

What 415 pounds feels like – reflections after 56 pounds lost

I want to share something deeply personal, because this is the digital age and that’s how we handle deeply personal things these days, I guess. But it’s a cathartic feeling for me to process, and potentially helpful for others who are going through the same or similar things. Or maybe just uncomfortable for those who aren’t. We’ll see.

Considering the proof was out there in plain sight, I’m not sure why it’s so shameful for me to admit that I had gotten up to 415+ pounds. My whole life I’ve been big. Since I was a kid, it’s sort of defined me. For better or worse it’s been who I am, and it’s been my biggest defining factor (pun intended).
It’s funny, when I watch those stupid reality shows where somebody is 600 pounds, or somebody is hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt, or somebody is so heavily addicted to a substance that they’re willing to go to any length, I always think to myself “How did they get there? How did that happen, why didn’t anyone stop them?”
I guess that’s the thing about addiction, it really does work how you think. You get this idea in your head that you’re the exception to the rule. You see overweight people, and you don’t really identify with them because your situation is different. But my situation wasn’t different. I’ve been around 350 pounds pretty much since I was a teenager, and I fluctuated slightly but not very much.
Eventually my anxiety and OCD got so bad that I went to a psychiatrist, who put me on some very heavy anti-anxiety medications to manage my mental health. What he didn’t tell me, was that the pills make you feel absolutely ravenous. I’ve heard of medications causing weight gain, but I never fully understood what that meant. You don’t really get it until it’s two in the morning, and you feel like you’re going to die if you don’t eat. It’s not a logical feeling, because you’re a. Overweight and b. You ate just hours ago. But your brain won’t let you sleep and you’re miserable and a few months later you’re exactly where you thought you’d never be: 400+ pounds, and dying from the inside out. Please don’t think I’m making excuses: I chose every single calorie that entered my body and I’m personally responsible for every pound on my body. I was incredibly overweight before I took medication that put me in “death-fat” category.
And that’s what 415 pounds feels like: dying. It sounds like an exaggeration, but I could feel my systems shutting down. My back hurts so bad I could barely walk, I could hardly take care of my personal hygiene, I had near constant chest pain, all I wanted to do was sleep and the only thing that made me happy was eating. I didn’t want to make friends, because who wants to hang out with me? I can’t do anything physical. I went to a friend’s movie night and broke his chair in front of 20 people. I withdrew into myself, waiting to die. I knew I wouldn’t make it through my thirties, if I even got to them.
I didn’t want to live anymore but the frustrating thing was, I knew I was the only person to blame for where I was. My life was a jail cell that I’d built up around myself, brick by brick, until it was unlivable and I had nobody to blame but me.
Here’s the thing about having such an obvious imperfection though: It’s comforting in a way. The idea that there’s this one thing, this one factor in your life that’s preventing you from being happy. And if you fixed it, everything would be okay. For me it was food, for others it’s drugs, or a relationship, or religion. The idea that, “If I just had this one thing everything would be okay. I would be okay.”
In so many ways, my weight was a way to escape my reality. My depression, my lifelong OCD and anxiety. None of that really mattered when I could barely breathe, when walking became difficult and I couldn’t go more than a few paces at a time, when I would wake up because my body stopped breathing in the night because I was close to having a stroke. Food comforted me, and my weight insulated me from facing who I really am.
Now I’m down 56 pounds, and I still have a long way to go, but I have hope and I FEEL better, regardless of pounds lost. I’m hanging out with my friends, I’m moving and walking and working out, and more importantly, I’m no longer trapped in this death sentence that I’d drafted for myself. If you’re lurking or considering starting your weight loss journey: PLEASE DO IT. It’s not too late, it IS possible. It’s hard as fuck and you’re going to be hungry and it’s going to suck, but you’ll feel so much better and you’ll be crafting a life you can be proud of. Nobody can or will do it for you.

Big Burger, Small Rant

So today I went kind of off the rails in terms of my eating. My roommate agreed to dogsit for these giant boofs, and one insisted on borking the entire time I was trying to sleep. At one point I broke down in angry sobs and ate all the rest of the ice cream we had in the house. Was it mature? No. Did it happen? Yes.

Anyway, I was tired and grumpy and used that as an excuse to not go get groceries like I should have and ate at my old vice: Carl’s Jr. Instead of getting the Guacamole Bacon Burger with a milkshake, I got the Guacamole Bacon Burger without the milkshake. Because HEALTH RIGHT?

No but seriously. I don’t know how I ate like this, every day. Not only was it $11.00 for almost no nutrients, it gave me a terrible stomachache. But at least I still logged my calories, and I’m determined to do better from here on out. You can make mistakes and learn from them, right? Here’s to moderation and maturity in the face of poor decisions!


50 pounds down!

As of today, I’m officially down 51 pounds and some change. DOPEEEE. It’s weird though. I told a couple of people about this today, which was kind of a first for me. A few of the people I’m close to know I’m losing weight, but I’ve been kinda quiet about it. However, when I told the people today that I made the 50 pound mark, I got the response I was fearing and expecting: awkward silence and confusion.

Because you know what? I’m still really fucking fat. Going from 415 pounds to 365 pounds is like going from being $200,000 in debt to $150,000 in debt. It’s still a lot of fucking debt. And it kinda felt like the people I told looked at me and were like, “… really? Are you sure? Because we’re still looking at a giant huge person.”

And I guess in a lot of ways, it echoed my own thoughts about my weight loss. I physically see the difference on the scale, but I don’t feel that much different. A lot of the weight I had gained in the past year had occurred rapidly after taking anti-anxiety medications that made me painfully ravenous. I went from ~355-360 to well over 400 pounds in a matter of two months. And being over 400 pounds is sorta like being dead. I expected to have a heart attack at any moment. My heart literally hurt, all the time.

Which I suppose leads me to a mini-realization: I’ve lost 50 pounds, but I’m still really fat. My victories are going to need to be of the non-scale variety for the time being. But here are a few victories I’ve experienced during my weight loss thus far:

  • I don’t wake up most mornings with sleep apnea-induced migraines. Before I started losing weight, I would go to sleep worried that I just wouldn’t wake up. My sleeping was bad, I would wake up choking and gasping for air. I just expected to get the migraines, every single day. I still get occasional migraines, but they’re no longer a given and they’re actually becoming pretty rare.
  • Like I mentioned above, my heart no longer hurts, like, all the time. I don’t really have constant chest pain anymore. As I reflect back, how the fuck did I live like that for so long?
  • My clothes are STARTING to get looser. When you’re over 400 pounds, even plus size stores don’t cut it. Plus clothes are super fucking expensive. I pretty much only wore Walmart clothing, and eeeeeverything I have is stretchy. That being said, my clothes are barely (just barely) starting to become looser. Also, yesterday I was able to try on (and fit!) a 3x coat at Target. I definitely know that wouldn’t have happened even a few months ago.
  • I’m seeing (and expecting to see) the scale going down. I’ve been fat my whole life, since I was a little kid. I’ve never actually achieved or maintained any sort of weight loss. Tracking my food and exercise as well as weight makes me feel in control, and like weight loss is a true possibility, not some sort of mythical magic spell.
  • I can touch my toes again! There was a period of time where I couldn’t. But I can again, and that’s cool.
  • My constant lower back pain is gone. Even short walks used to be painful. Not anymore.
  • My plantar fasciitis no longer hurts 100% of the time.
  • Heartburn has almost completely gone away.
  • My energy is up. Before I could barely go to the store, and I slept like 12 hours a day or more (probably because I stopped breathing in my sleep?). Now I can do all the errands, go to the gym, play with my dog, do all the things! Fuck yeah, things.

So yeah, 50 pounds is cool. I’m hoping to start noticing my clothes getting looser soon. I think a big part of that will be more consistently incorporating the gym.

Start Weight: 415

Current Weight: 363.3

44.6 pounds down and hella lessons learned

So I was doing well on Whole 30 for a while, but my heart wasn’t really in it. I would start and stop and start and stop and fuck up and start and stop again. Whole 30 is tough because your body takes a while, WEEKS, to acclimate. I would go for 5 days and go off it, go again for 6 days and go off of it. And the thing I’ve noticed about Whole 30 is you end up eating a lot of calories in those first few days in order to compensate for the carb flu you’re experiencing, meaning I felt like I was gaining weight in those initial stages which is frustrating when you’re depriving yourself of delicious holiday treats and still seeing the opposite of positive results. Whatever, everything sucks.

I’ve decided to take a Whole 30 break for a bit. Not only am I sick, my roommate’s dog died, and 2016 is just generally fucky, I decided I want to focus more on:

  • Tracking what I eat. Everything. I hate doing it, but I know it’s one of those most effective ways to lose weight. Did I mention I fucking hate it though? I think it’s because I’m forced to actually see how many calories I’m ingesting, and that’s just a fucking bummer.
  • Eating LESS. Holy fucking shit I eat a lot. And I read something recently that said something to the effect of “all diets are just trying to help you do one thing: stay satiated while eating less”. I’ve been thinking about that a lot, and it kinda blew my mind. Because it’s true. At the end of the day, keto, Whole 30, Atkins, paleo, etc. are all just trying to get your fat ass to eat less. These diets are successful because you are (theoretically) going to be less hungry after eating 500 calories of fat/protein versus 500 calories of carbs which will cause you to eat less overall. But I guess at the end of the day, CICO (calories in, calories out) is, like, science or something? MIND BLOWN. My mind wants to believe in the magical power of diets but it’s all capitalist smoke and mirrors.
  • Working out. Even a little bit. Even a tiny small amount. My roommate and I have been going to the gym, which is cool. But my poor joints ache and I’m weak af and blah blah blah excuses, but the point is to go and keep going and stop not going.

My goal for 2017 is to lose 100 pounds. I’m still currently FAT-HUNDRED pounds so that should be hella doable. Especially as I’m slowly learning all of these super basic, baby-level lessons about moderation and not treating myself like a food dumpster.

Start weight: 415.0+

Current weight: 370.38

33.4 pounds down!

So I finished 29 of the 30 days of my last Whole 30! I was down an entire 39 pounds, what what! But we decided to finish our Whole 30 by getting pizza. HUGE mistake. HUGE.

First of all, it wasn’t a cheat meal. It was more like a cheat parade, with cheat dancers and giant cheat parade balloons bouncing through the sky. I ate literally everything I could think of. Pop Tarts, chips, cookies, McDonalds, ice cream. I mean, I went fucking nuts. And the weird thing was, I wasn’t necessarily enjoying it. I was just doing it. I figured, if I already felt sick, why not just go for it?

And sick I was. After our pizza soiree, I had a horrible stomach pain that lasted three days. Yay! I almost went to the doctor at one point because I was like, “Is this death? Is this how I die? By pizza?”

And in typical fashion, my cheat “day” lasted several days. And I returned to my usual, pre-Whole 30 lifestyle. Because that’s how it always goes. I never realize how fucking much I eat until I’m eating well. I’m talking, like, fast food for every meal. I also noticed that my energy was DESTROYED. It’s hard to describe but on Whole 30 it feels like my body is creating its own energy, but off Whole 30, it feels like I have to get my energy from food, and that energy is so short lived. The first night I went off my Whole 30 it felt like I could barely stay awake. I was just so tired.

So I’m back on Whole 30, which is so hard but so good. The first few days feel like shit, but not nearly as bad as I feel when I just eat whatever the fuck I want. Weight loss is such a roller coaster, but it’s also a fantastic way to learn about myself and my body.

I realized that, when I’m not eating well:

  • I have to eat constantly just to have any energy
  • I’m super tired all the time and I wake up with horrible headaches. Like, every day.
  • I used to drink crazy amounts of coffee just to counteract all the sugar crashes I experienced with my mostly-carb lifestyle
  • I ache all the time, and I have a near constant tummyache
  • I will NOT eat well if I don’t have “Whole 30” to fall back on. The amount of social pressure there is to eat unhealthy or drink (especially alcohol) is completely ridiculous, and I never noticed it when I just gave into it.
  • I have a feeling of hopelessness about my health. If I’m even cheating a little, I feel very “oh well, fuck it” about my health and just go hog wild (literally)

When I AM eating well:

  • My energy is much higher
  • I sleep so much better
  • I feel lighter and more active
  • I cook for 99% of my meals
  • I don’t feel like I’m constantly trying to find food or energy
  • I save so much money on not eating fast food for every meal (ranging from $8-$25 a meal, sometimes more)
  • I sometimes get bored of not having something to snack on, which sucks, but I’ve been trying to drink more water and tea, or chomp on carrots.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 381.6