The Irrationality of Discouragement

I started keto in earnest eight days ago, and it’s going very well! Well, it was going well, until today. I’ve been stepping on the scale every other day or so and seeing remarkable things. Down 1 pound! Down 1.5 pounds! Down 3 fucking pounds! How does that happen?!

But then today I got on the scale and it bounced from 346.8 to 348.4. In one day. In one day that I consumed 1700 calories. The human body makes no fucking sense.

I tried to fight off the disappointment. “It’s fine!” I told myself. “Weight fluctuates! It’s part of the process! It’s natural, blah blahblahwhatever.” But the disappointment stuck with me.

And then, at the lake today my roommate took a video of me and my dog in the water, and guess what I saw when I watched it! I looked exactly the same. What the fuck, body! You’re slightly smaller, and you don’t look like a runway model. That’s some bullshit!

I guess part of the process that I really, really (really really really) need to focus on is managing my expectations. It’s been a fucking week and I’m already defeated, wanting to give up that I don’t look like the “after” photo of a diet pill commercial. I’m realizing that this is the mental part of a healthy lifestyle. Yes, stuffing meat and cheese into my face, counting macros, making good choices and resisting temptation is the actual physical steps of being successful on keto, but the real work is in not fucking giving up. 

I think I realized something: I’m so terribly afraid of failing that this, right here, this minor setback is the point where I start to falter and typically fail, because this is the point where I have to decide if I’d rather give up and think to myself: If you tried, you could have succeeded and your life could be better if you really apply yourself, or do I stick with it and risk the possibility that I’m not good enough? Maybe I put forth my best effort, I try really hard, I commit myself fully for months, and I’m just inadequate.

I’ve been fat since I was a very little kid. There’s this small part of me (it’s the only small part of me) that wonders if I am actually capable of being a healthy weight. I have been over 300 pounds since I was about 12, maybe 13. I’m excited to see progress, but it scares me because it’s so insanely easy to gain weight, but so unbelievably easy to lose it.

Rant over. I’m going to stick with it, I’m going to reach out for help and keep researching and trying and succeeding and occasionally fucking up until I make serious progress. But sometimes it’s just really fucking hard.

Loving the Journey is a Bunch of Shit

Warning: Fat girl bitchings ahead.

Weight loss as a journey, not a destination is such a frustrating thing. I understand the validity of the sentiment: for durable health and wellness, crash dieting/starvation/juicing is not a solution for long-term health. To change your weight, you really have to change your life.

But I haaaaate that. I want a magic pill! I want to take a supplement that will fix everything! Portion control, “clean eating”, learning new habits is such a fucking drag.

I went off the wagon, so to speak, for a few months. I just wasn’t focused on eating well, and when I’m not focused on eating well I eat extremely poorly. I’m characteristically immoderate. I gained back ~20 pounds that I had lost, which is super super fucking frustrating. Sure, I didn’t gain it *all* back, which is good, but goddamn it’s such a blow. Gaining weight is such an easy thing. Losing weight, especially weight you’ve already fucking lost fucking sucks.

But I’m back on the wagon, as of the last four days. And I’ve actually started this new thing where I’m keeping a visual food log, and so far I actually kind of love it. I also started a new Instagram to track my progress: KateLosesWeight89

My little food logs are so fun, and I’m actually excited to log instead of feeling like it’s a huge drag. Hopefully I stick with it. I think it being a public thing, in addition to being kinda fun and cutesy, fits my personality pretty well!

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Hopefully I’ll stick with it. I need to find accountability partners, and work through feeling discouraged that the scale hasn’t changed after only 4 days. I’m not sure why that bothers me so much, but it absolutely does. I guess I really need to actively focus on enjoying the journey, not the destination.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 364

I Might Have Made a Huge Mistake

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I’ve hit a weird plateau lately. For the past few weeks (maybe past two months?) I’ve been going back and forth between ~365-355 pounds. How the hell does someone plateau at 300-something pounds? I mean, I get plateauing at, like, 190 pounds. That makes sense. But for some reason, I just can’t seem to get (and stay) under 355. It’s super disappointing. Like, it almost feels like it isn’t possible. I know it totally is, but why isn’t it happening?

So I decided to do something rash, impusive and expensive! Yay! I read this article on one of my favorite money-saving blogs, The Financial Diet, which is ironic because that article ended up costing me $300.00. The author shared about this website called HealthyWeight.

Basically, you put up a wager for how many pounds you want to lose in the next 6-9 months. They do some magic calculations based on how much you want to bet and how much you want to lose, and, voila!, magic! Diet wager! If you lose the weight, you get your money back plus some. If you don’t lose the weight, you forfeit and your parents will never love you.

I figured, this is a good chance for me to jump-start my weight loss and get through this plateau. But also, to channel my ridiculous competitiveness and pure hatred for wasting and losing money.

I put up $300 in the next six months that I could lose 60 pounds. If I do so I’ll (theorhetically) get back $1025. This feels pretty scammy, but I did a bunch (10 solid minutes except for that 5-minute break) of Googling and they have legit reviews and ratings, sooo… Yeah. This might be a huge waste.

Have any of you guys had any experience with HealthyWeight?

Bitchy Book Review: “The Handmaid’s Tale” by Margaret Atwood

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So I’ve wanted to read this book for years. No, I correct that statement, I’ve wanted to have read this book for years. I wanted it DONE. FINISHED. OVER. I want to KNOW WHAT IT’S ABOUT but I certainly didn’t want to fucking read it.

I’ve tried though. I bought it no less than three times, inevitably giving it back to Value Village every time. I’ve had it on my shelf for years. I’ve even given it a good college try: I read and re-read the opening scene where the unnamed author describes a sad, small room in great detail — but this is usually where I tap out.

But not this time, motherfuckers! I did it! I finished this stupid modern literary classic, and now I’m officially part of the “I’ve Read the Handmaid’s Tale, Haven’t You? Club”. It’s an elite club, and our quarterly meetings are insufferably pretentious.

With the Hulu series coming out (and it just looks so darn titillating!) I figured I should finally plow through this book. I mean, it’s not that long! I can do it!

And do it I did. But it’s not necessarily the world’s easiest read. When shit is actually happening in the book, it’s really interesting! Because it’s dystopian, and it’s weird, and you’re given no formal introduction into the world. You’re just chillin’ with this sad lady and you kinda figure out the society as the book goes along.

But half of the book is not so fun. Half of it is maudlin, meandering prose that feels intentionally frustrating. Which could totally just be part of the dystopian aesthetic, but that doesn’t make it any fucking less annoying to read. There were several points where I just threw the book down and I yelled to the heavens, “Margaret Atwood, you pull your head out of your ass right now and finish this book!”

There are a lot of parallels between this book’s crazy ass world and our current one. The moralistic and religious justifications for the insane society, the utilization and then disregard of policy in order to control people, the subtle manipulation of power and pride… it was all pretty interesting stuff. But, like, after the fact. Because reading it was mostly a big ol’ bummer.

I’m looking forward to the television show. I’m hoping this classic-turned-series is more engaging than the recent Man in the High Castle nonsense. But overall I’m glad I read this book. Well, I’m glad I have read it.

Rating:

9/10 for making me think.

3/10 for being annoying for long stretches

10/10 for the ability to now interject “you remember, in the Handmaid’s Tale…” into everyday conversations, like an annoying asshat.

Bitchy Book Review: “Available” by Matteson Perry

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Rating: 1/10 stars

Matteson Perry is a dick.

But he’s that special kind of dick that is fully convinced that he’s a Nice Guy. You know, I actually started keeping a tally of how many times Perry unironically referred to himself as a “nice guy” but I stopped at one hundred billion. This dude is LITERALLY every guy on Tinder.

Seriously, this guy is such an outrageously smarmy asshole of a person. He’s spurned by a girlfriend and decides to spend a year “letting loose” and “living in the moment” by sleeping with literally as many girls as he can, culminating in what he assumes to be a sex-fueled desert orgy at Burning Man.

His inflated ego is truly an impressive thing to behold. Also, it’s incredibly unflattering towards the women who made the choice (mistake?) of actually sleeping with him. He makes them out to look stalkerish, clingy, pathetic, un-interesting, or cold and distant. Whatever fit his narrative of him being a “nice guy”.

Also, a LOT of the book was dedicated to him describing Burning Man. I have had several friends go to Burning Man, and while his description was consistent with theirs, the only thing worse than listening to a friend describe Burning Man is reading about it from someone you don’t know. Seriously, such filler bullshit, because the entire book was uninteresting, un-enlightening, and literally an egocentric circle jerk for Matteson “Nice Guy” Perry.

Like the chapter where he talks about how he such a “nice guy” and “nice guys don’t cheat”, followed shortly by how he cheated, and then justified how it was barely cheating because it was just a kiss. Oh yeah, this happens twice. The entire book is filled with justifications for his actions that make the reader wondering if he is trying to convince the reader or himself.

The book is literally about him attempting to fuck as many girls as possible with no emotional attachment, then at one point he meets this girl who “uses him for sex” and then tell him to go home after, so he’s decides to emotionally fuck with her by making her fall for him so that he can dump her? Even though that’s the shit he’s been pulling through the entirety of the book?

Actual quote from the book: “I was going to do everything someone wants when they want to be a girl’s boyfriend. Everything, of course, except be her boyfriend. No, once I wooed her and it was time to the talk, well, let’s just say she’d be the one sitting in traffic late at night. Nobody puts Matteson in a corner.”

He will have occasionally flashes of insight (after all, this is supposed to be about a journey of self-discovery? Through using as many girls for sex as possible?) but his rare moments of shallow “woke-ness” hardly make up for his shitty actions and even shittier inflated ego.

This is truly, truly an awful book and Perry is truly an awful person. My heart goes out to the women who actually thought he might not be a dick when you interacted with him. And my heart goes out to me, for finishing this awful trash book.

 

Starting a Blog is Really Fucking Intimidating

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Theoretically it shouldn’t be hard to start a blog. It’s just me, throwing words on a screen, to someone who might read them one day. But as I’m looking through Pinterest about starting a blog, there’s a huge, overwhelming wealth of resources about “exposure” and “niche” and “monetizing” and “grammar”. It’s all very overwhelming.

I want this blog to be:

  • A way for me to process my weight loss journey
  • An opportunity for me to connect with others
  • An imperfect, single, youngish person’s adventures in getting her shit together
  • A humor blog
  • Book reviews
  • DIY for people who are just absolute garbage when it comes to DIY

It just feels like a lot. What’s my niche? How does one establish a niche? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that Pinterest is overwhelming my tiny brain, and the beginning of the process feels, like, way intimidating. I keep wanting to give up, but it could be so great. 

God damn it, internet, why do you insist on confusing me.

OH, AND HERE’S ANOTHER THING: How do I start a blog when I’m a huge giant disaster of a person? Like, I look at all these stark white blogs (both in the color schemes and the people, lesbehonest) and I do not look like them. I’m a messy, irreverent, often irresponsible garbage can. My credit score isn’t great. My room is more “clothing pile” than “carpet”. I burn a lot of the food that I cook, and eat it anyway. 

I feel sorely under-represented in the blogging community. Where are the young(ish) single bitches, just trying to desperately get their shit together while also trying to keep up with their laundry and friends and dogs and whose Netflix queues are, just like, way too much pressure right now?

I’ve heard many people say “write what you want to read” and I guess that’s what I have to focus on. Creating posts that would interest people like me out there, who aren’t perfect, aren’t pretending to be, but want to make steps to be better. Or at least clean up their rooms once in a while.

Dating While Fat Sucks and I’m Not Doing It Anymore

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So this is not a novel idea. The idea that men aren’t nearly as attracted to big women, how our dating options are limited, etc. But that’s the thing: I get it. When I’m browsing through Tinder or POF and I see a big dude, I’m usually into them because I like big guys, but it also says something about them. It says they’re less active. It says they probably eat more and work out less.

Physical appearance often does inform our ideas about a person’s character. Should it? Not necessarily. But it does, that’s just a reality. I’m not the kind of person who demands other people find her attractive in the name of body positivity/feminism/being woke. I think big people are beautiful, but I don’t expect others to, and I think it’s weird to criticize people for not being attracted to large people. You can call them shallow for not liking big people, but can you criticize me for not liking women? I don’t find women sexually attractive, does that make me a homophobe?

I think the real problem is when guys (and girls) are dicks to big people just because they’re not attracted to them. Demonizing people for their weight makes you a shithead. But I digress.

Dating while fat sucks absolute ass. Here’s a comprehensive list of the people who message fat girls:

  • Guys asking “dtf?”, “wanna fuck?”, “do you give head?” or any variation of the same basic message: I wouldn’t date you, but you’re probably easy because you’re fat.
  • Married/guys in relationships who want an easy to please side chick. The thinking, I’m guessing, is again “fat girls are used to being treated poorly so they’re more likely to be fine being side chicks than skinny girls”.
  • Guys who fetishize fat girls. Contrary to popular belief, this is not a compliment, nor is it appealing.
  • Genuinely good guys who mean well.

I’m not saying all guys that want to date fat girls are garbage, there are some decent guys who are kind and are more into a girl’s personality or (gasp!) are even attracted to bigger girls. I’ve dated those guys, they’re great and just because it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean they’re not fantastic people.

But lately I’ve been getting more of the assholes that either just want to fuck, or expect me to bed over backwards to please them because I’m big. I had a date from hell last night with this guy who was a total fucking asshole. He tried to tell me he would”fuck me skinny” and was a condescending douchenozzle the entire time. As if I was doing him a favor for hanging out with him (even though he stood me up the first time we had scheduled).

So yes. I’m done. I’m not dating anymore until I reach 299 pounds, and possibly not even then (but that’s my current goal). I’m going to focus on my bomb-ass friends, focus on getting in shape and working out and living my best life. I’m no longer subjecting my heart and mind to these guys who see me as an easy lay, because I would like to believe that people are good and kind at heart and dating at this size just hurts.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 361.7

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