Bitchy Book Review: “The Handmaid’s Tale” by Margaret Atwood

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So I’ve wanted to read this book for years. No, I correct that statement, I’ve wanted to have read this book for years. I wanted it DONE. FINISHED. OVER. I want to KNOW WHAT IT’S ABOUT but I certainly didn’t want to fucking read it.

I’ve tried though. I bought it no less than three times, inevitably giving it back to Value Village every time. I’ve had it on my shelf for years. I’ve even given it a good college try: I read and re-read the opening scene where the unnamed author describes a sad, small room in great detail — but this is usually where I tap out.

But not this time, motherfuckers! I did it! I finished this stupid modern literary classic, and now I’m officially part of the “I’ve Read the Handmaid’s Tale, Haven’t You? Club”. It’s an elite club, and our quarterly meetings are insufferably pretentious.

With the Hulu series coming out (and it just looks so darn titillating!) I figured I should finally plow through this book. I mean, it’s not that long! I can do it!

And do it I did. But it’s not necessarily the world’s easiest read. When shit is actually happening in the book, it’s really interesting! Because it’s dystopian, and it’s weird, and you’re given no formal introduction into the world. You’re just chillin’ with this sad lady and you kinda figure out the society as the book goes along.

But half of the book is not so fun. Half of it is maudlin, meandering prose that feels intentionally frustrating. Which could totally just be part of the dystopian aesthetic, but that doesn’t make it any fucking less annoying to read. There were several points where I just threw the book down and I yelled to the heavens, “Margaret Atwood, you pull your head out of your ass right now and finish this book!”

There are a lot of parallels between this book’s crazy ass world and our current one. The moralistic and religious justifications for the insane society, the utilization and then disregard of policy in order to control people, the subtle manipulation of power and pride… it was all pretty interesting stuff. But, like, after the fact. Because reading it was mostly a big ol’ bummer.

I’m looking forward to the television show. I’m hoping this classic-turned-series is more engaging than the recent Man in the High Castle nonsense. But overall I’m glad I read this book. Well, I’m glad I have read it.

Rating:

9/10 for making me think.

3/10 for being annoying for long stretches

10/10 for the ability to now interject “you remember, in the Handmaid’s Tale…” into everyday conversations, like an annoying asshat.

Bitchy Book Review: “Available” by Matteson Perry

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Rating: 1/10 stars

Matteson Perry is a dick.

But he’s that special kind of dick that is fully convinced that he’s a Nice Guy. You know, I actually started keeping a tally of how many times Perry unironically referred to himself as a “nice guy” but I stopped at one hundred billion. This dude is LITERALLY every guy on Tinder.

Seriously, this guy is such an outrageously smarmy asshole of a person. He’s spurned by a girlfriend and decides to spend a year “letting loose” and “living in the moment” by sleeping with literally as many girls as he can, culminating in what he assumes to be a sex-fueled desert orgy at Burning Man.

His inflated ego is truly an impressive thing to behold. Also, it’s incredibly unflattering towards the women who made the choice (mistake?) of actually sleeping with him. He makes them out to look stalkerish, clingy, pathetic, un-interesting, or cold and distant. Whatever fit his narrative of him being a “nice guy”.

Also, a LOT of the book was dedicated to him describing Burning Man. I have had several friends go to Burning Man, and while his description was consistent with theirs, the only thing worse than listening to a friend describe Burning Man is reading about it from someone you don’t know. Seriously, such filler bullshit, because the entire book was uninteresting, un-enlightening, and literally an egocentric circle jerk for Matteson “Nice Guy” Perry.

Like the chapter where he talks about how he such a “nice guy” and “nice guys don’t cheat”, followed shortly by how he cheated, and then justified how it was barely cheating because it was just a kiss. Oh yeah, this happens twice. The entire book is filled with justifications for his actions that make the reader wondering if he is trying to convince the reader or himself.

The book is literally about him attempting to fuck as many girls as possible with no emotional attachment, then at one point he meets this girl who “uses him for sex” and then tell him to go home after, so he’s decides to emotionally fuck with her by making her fall for him so that he can dump her? Even though that’s the shit he’s been pulling through the entirety of the book?

Actual quote from the book: “I was going to do everything someone wants when they want to be a girl’s boyfriend. Everything, of course, except be her boyfriend. No, once I wooed her and it was time to the talk, well, let’s just say she’d be the one sitting in traffic late at night. Nobody puts Matteson in a corner.”

He will have occasionally flashes of insight (after all, this is supposed to be about a journey of self-discovery? Through using as many girls for sex as possible?) but his rare moments of shallow “woke-ness” hardly make up for his shitty actions and even shittier inflated ego.

This is truly, truly an awful book and Perry is truly an awful person. My heart goes out to the women who actually thought he might not be a dick when you interacted with him. And my heart goes out to me, for finishing this awful trash book.

 

Starting a Blog is Really Fucking Intimidating

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Theoretically it shouldn’t be hard to start a blog. It’s just me, throwing words on a screen, to someone who might read them one day. But as I’m looking through Pinterest about starting a blog, there’s a huge, overwhelming wealth of resources about “exposure” and “niche” and “monetizing” and “grammar”. It’s all very overwhelming.

I want this blog to be:

  • A way for me to process my weight loss journey
  • An opportunity for me to connect with others
  • An imperfect, single, youngish person’s adventures in getting her shit together
  • A humor blog
  • Book reviews
  • DIY for people who are just absolute garbage when it comes to DIY

It just feels like a lot. What’s my niche? How does one establish a niche? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that Pinterest is overwhelming my tiny brain, and the beginning of the process feels, like, way intimidating. I keep wanting to give up, but it could be so great. 

God damn it, internet, why do you insist on confusing me.

OH, AND HERE’S ANOTHER THING: How do I start a blog when I’m a huge giant disaster of a person? Like, I look at all these stark white blogs (both in the color schemes and the people, lesbehonest) and I do not look like them. I’m a messy, irreverent, often irresponsible garbage can. My credit score isn’t great. My room is more “clothing pile” than “carpet”. I burn a lot of the food that I cook, and eat it anyway. 

I feel sorely under-represented in the blogging community. Where are the young(ish) single bitches, just trying to desperately get their shit together while also trying to keep up with their laundry and friends and dogs and whose Netflix queues are, just like, way too much pressure right now?

I’ve heard many people say “write what you want to read” and I guess that’s what I have to focus on. Creating posts that would interest people like me out there, who aren’t perfect, aren’t pretending to be, but want to make steps to be better. Or at least clean up their rooms once in a while.

Dating While Fat Sucks and I’m Not Doing It Anymore

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So this is not a novel idea. The idea that men aren’t nearly as attracted to big women, how our dating options are limited, etc. But that’s the thing: I get it. When I’m browsing through Tinder or POF and I see a big dude, I’m usually into them because I like big guys, but it also says something about them. It says they’re less active. It says they probably eat more and work out less.

Physical appearance often does inform our ideas about a person’s character. Should it? Not necessarily. But it does, that’s just a reality. I’m not the kind of person who demands other people find her attractive in the name of body positivity/feminism/being woke. I think big people are beautiful, but I don’t expect others to, and I think it’s weird to criticize people for not being attracted to large people. You can call them shallow for not liking big people, but can you criticize me for not liking women? I don’t find women sexually attractive, does that make me a homophobe?

I think the real problem is when guys (and girls) are dicks to big people just because they’re not attracted to them. Demonizing people for their weight makes you a shithead. But I digress.

Dating while fat sucks absolute ass. Here’s a comprehensive list of the people who message fat girls:

  • Guys asking “dtf?”, “wanna fuck?”, “do you give head?” or any variation of the same basic message: I wouldn’t date you, but you’re probably easy because you’re fat.
  • Married/guys in relationships who want an easy to please side chick. The thinking, I’m guessing, is again “fat girls are used to being treated poorly so they’re more likely to be fine being side chicks than skinny girls”.
  • Guys who fetishize fat girls. Contrary to popular belief, this is not a compliment, nor is it appealing.
  • Genuinely good guys who mean well.

I’m not saying all guys that want to date fat girls are garbage, there are some decent guys who are kind and are more into a girl’s personality or (gasp!) are even attracted to bigger girls. I’ve dated those guys, they’re great and just because it didn’t work out, doesn’t mean they’re not fantastic people.

But lately I’ve been getting more of the assholes that either just want to fuck, or expect me to bed over backwards to please them because I’m big. I had a date from hell last night with this guy who was a total fucking asshole. He tried to tell me he would”fuck me skinny” and was a condescending douchenozzle the entire time. As if I was doing him a favor for hanging out with him (even though he stood me up the first time we had scheduled).

So yes. I’m done. I’m not dating anymore until I reach 299 pounds, and possibly not even then (but that’s my current goal). I’m going to focus on my bomb-ass friends, focus on getting in shape and working out and living my best life. I’m no longer subjecting my heart and mind to these guys who see me as an easy lay, because I would like to believe that people are good and kind at heart and dating at this size just hurts.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 361.7

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Hunger Fucking Sucks

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So sad.

So I’m on day… four? of Whole 30. This is my 3rd go-around (along with my roommate) and I LOVE Whole 30. Well, that’s not necessarily all true. I love how I feel on it. I love the results. I don’t love the lack of ice cream. But that’s okay, because I have so much energy and energy is awesome.

But that being said, I fucking hate being hungry. It’s a necessary evil: I’m acclimating to not eating EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME but still. Being hungry is a bummer. Maybe I’m extra cranky because I’m… hungry? Either way, I don’t like it.

But I realize that hunger is a necessary feeling. And it’s even a good thing – I’m not constantly eating now, and constant eating got me up to 415 pounds. Also, hunger means that I’m controlling myself – I’m not binging and that’s a good thing. But the feeling is still a bummer.

Especially because food is such a damn comfort. It’s like a teddy bear, but like, one that you eat. I guess. I’m not great with analogies. I’m not even sure I feel physical hunger as much as I want the sensation of eating. Which is stupid.

How do you all deal with hunger? I need all the advice.

I gotta focus more on the “bitch” and less on the “fat”

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Street art during my NYC trip

I started this blog as a weight loss blog. I figured, “I’ll post fun little anecdotes about eating healthy!” or “Look at me, trying to exercise, how funny!” and it would make for a super compelling blog.

What I forgot though, is that weight loss is often a slog. It’s repetitive. It’s eating greens and meat and Not Cake and it’s not honestly that interesting. Which I think is why I’ve been so hesitant to blog. Because it’s like, okay cool, I made a thing in the crock pot. My scale went down. But then damn! It went back up. What the hell, scale? It’s monotonous, it’s a journey, not a destination. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Blah blah blah.

So I have a new goal for this blog: It’s going to be a journey of self-discovery. It’s going to be about me facing my fears, addressing my character weaknesses, Making A Bucket List, all that self-actualization shit that make people better. It’ll be about losing weight (I still have a lot of that to do) but it will also be about me addressing all of those things in my nature that I want to change.

Will it be interesting? Maybe not! Am I doing it anyway? You betcha!

But anyway, what have I been up to since I last posted, asks nobody? Well, I went to New York City. It was super fun, but my diet went OFF. THE. RAILS. Like, not even just in New York. The few weeks leading up to New York, I was like “who tf cares about dieting right now, since I’m going to New York anyway?” Which is a super shitty mindset, but that’s what happened.

New York was great. I got to see all the sights. It was extra crazy because I went by myself, so I got to do exactly what I wanted and didn’t have to wait for my lovely but old ass relatives to decide they’re done napping before we get on a subway and just ride, baby. I got to see some of the typical touristy things, like the 9/11 Museum (sad), Rockefeller Plaza (tall), and the Statue of Liberty (green).

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Pink street art in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

But I also got to go off-roading a bit, which was cool. I explored Williamsburg, Coney Island, and saw a Stephen Colbert taping. My favorite part was the food, the architecture, and the amazong street art. All in all it was a great trip. Now I’m focused on getting my life in order, getting back on Whole 30, and losing the stupid-ass weight I managed to gain back during my weight loss derailment.

Any advice you all have about getting back on the horse, I’ll take it 🙂

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Honestly I don’t remember which building this was. But it’s shiny, so that’s cool.

Start weight: 415

Current weight: 364.5