Falling is easy, getting back up sucks

I’m a very all-or-nothing person. I have been as far as I can remember. I’m either 100% committed to something, or I could care less. Which is a really frustrating way to be. My room is either immaculately clean or nuclear bomb messy. My eating is either PERFECT, with no mistakes or “cheats”, or I’m eating Oreos for every meal.

My thinking when I’m not dieting is this:

  • I’d better stop and get breakfast or I’ll be hungry. I should make breakfast, but I don’t really want to just eat eggs. And what’s the point? Taco Bell tastes better, it’s on my way, and I’m fucking up my diet anyway. What’s one more “bad” meal? I’m going to start my diet over tomorrow. I might as well just have one good last meal.
  • Oh, it’s lunch, what should I make? I have food… but since I’m starting my diet tomorrow anyway I might as well get fast food…

And on and on. And it’s so frustrating because in hindsight or in theory, this thinking is asinine. I waste SO MUCH money and eat SO BADLY, and I know how short-sighted and stupid this thought process is.

But, when breakfast (or lunch, or snacks, or dinner) roll around, it goes back to that same thinking. Should I do what’s best or should I do what I want to do right now in this moment? Guess which one usually wins.

BUT what’s also weird, is when I’m on my “diet” (Whole 30 lifestyle), I can do incredibly well. If I’m strict with myself I don’t make exceptions or cheat or try and justify my choices. Why can’t I let this thinking dictate all of my actions instead of just when I’m being “good”?

I like the quote, “If you’re tired of starting over, stop giving up”. But does this quote work for people who are “all or nothing”? Can you ever realistically “stop giving up”? Sometimes life happens. I guess it all comes back to balance, but how do you find balance if, like me, you’ve been so unbalanced your whole life?

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